Here I Come Running, Running

Running.

I suppose that’s been the theme of this past week.

But it all didn’t come to me until Monday.

I can’t tell you how many times I used or heard the phrase “I’m running late” or “I’m running behind” on Monday. It was a busy day. Every single detail that I thought was set for the day fell through. And as a result, I felt like I was running around in circles.

Running.

I was 15 minutes late to pick my friend up, and as I ran to my car, that word hit me.

I paused, in the middle of the street, keys in hand, tears in my eyes. I was overwhelmed. But I remember in this pause, looking for what that word meant.

Maybe it hit me because for a season of my life I was really good at moving slow, and not making myself so busy that I was running from one thing to the next. And while that may have been part of it, I believe that there was something more that God was trying to say to me. But I wouldn’t know until later, after sitting in my friends driveway before officially dropping her off.

We do this a lot. We get to the end of the night, and if one of us is driving the other somewhere, we always end up sitting in the car for at least another hour and just talking. But that night I was feeling so tired, and I went to call it a night several times- but then we got to talking about the night before. And before I could even think, I started to talk.

“So…this thought has been running-“ I paused. And I laughed. “That was it…that was the thought.” My friend looked at me a little confused, because I really didn’t share a thought with her, but I continued... “That word. Running. It’s been the theme of the day for me, and God kind of just whispered to me as I was walking to my car to get you that there was something in that.” I mentioned the slow living thought. But I told her that I thought there was more to it, I just wasn’t exactly sure…and then more words came out of my mouth.

I talked to her about the weird week it had been. Lately, this old thing has been in my mind. It’s something that I haven’t really told anyone before, it was something that I felt I needed to keep hidden for forever, when in all reality I know that isn’t healthy. Nothing good comes when you hide stuff. So lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m finally getting ready to talk to someone about it. Not anyone in specific, but someone that I know that I can trust. And so that’s been in my head for the past week or so.

And with that being in my head, I woke up last Wednesday just feeling so much shame. I woke up feeling anxious. I got to church and as I practiced our worship set for our staff rally, I just couldn’t shake the heavy feeling. As soon as practice was over I walked out to the hall and tried to get my mind off of it, but I was struggling. 3 minutes before we were supposed to start, I walked back into our theater. My friend came up to me to give me something that I’d asked her for earlier and I couldn’t even process what she was saying. My chest was tight. Tears were welling up in my eyes. And as I walked to our sound booth to grab my mic, she handed me a sticker. I looked down at it, and then I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room with me. I don’t know what made me grab her, but I somehow communicated that I was about to have a panic attack. She ran back into the theater to get someone to cover for me, and made her way back out to the hall. I could hear her breathing deep, slow breaths. She didn’t say anything. She just sat with me as I was curled up on the floor. And as I finally was starting to match my breathing to hers, I heard the words being sung in the other room. “You set my feet on solid ground.” A song talking about how it doesn’t matter what you’ll go through, because you can have total confidence in the fact that God will be with you in every moment. I thought back to the sticker. A sticker that represented a Heavenly Father wrapping His arms around His daughter. I wanted to get back in the room to see it. But what were people going to think? Several people knew I was supposed to lead worship, and suddenly I just wasn’t there. The leader who took my place, were they upset with me? The team I practiced with, did they think I was being dramatic? The pastor who called my name as I ran out of the room, would he think of me as a bad leader? Would people look at me? Guilt kept me on the hall floor longer than I’d like to admit…but I knew that the first step in the right direction would be getting up from that place and moving forward. I could choose to let this dictate my day, or I could keep moving. I made my way back in and fought with guilt and shame for our entire rally. Tears streamed down my face at several points. I was discouraged, it had been a while since I’d had a panic attack. I was disappointed in myself, thinking there was something I could have done differently. I knew everything I’d say to someone else in my place, but I couldn’t listen to myself.

As rally came to an end, my pastor (the one who had called my name as I ran out) came running towards the place I was standing, and he slapped his hand down on the sound booth, right next to where this sticker was set. He had a huge smile on his face and he said “Hi! I love you! If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know!” And then came the leader who took my place for worship- she wrapped me up in a big hug and then made her way out to a meeting. A group of us grabbed lunch, I ran our intern meeting, and then I met with a friend of mine that I’ve been working with. We sat down in a small group room and she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing good. And she read through it.

“No, I mean like actually how are you?”

And so I told her about my panic attack and the discouragement and the rollercoaster of a day that it was. She prayed for me, we had our meeting, and then I went throughout the rest of my day.

The next night, as we got ready for worship practice, something was just stirring up inside of me. I felt the anxiety again, and so I pushed myself to lead through it. I led practice differently than I’d ever led practice before. I went into the night with different expectancy. And as I got ready to lead worship at the end of the night, I thought back to the day before. The panic attack. And I thought back to the song that was playing as I was coming out of it. It was the song I was about to lead. “You set my feet on solid ground.” I started to think about grounding exercises- how they’re used to bring you back to reality, they’re meant for you to be able to see things more clearly. The definition of ground is to prohibit or prevent from flying, to place or lay something on the ground. And the day before, in the middle of my freak out, focusing on the words to this song helped me to ground myself. I thought back to the sticker. It reminded me of the prodigal son from the second that I looked at it. And what I love about the story of the prodigal son is that, while the son is making his return, his father sees him running and he runs to him. He doesn’t care about the fact that his son had run away, he just cared that he was running home. It’s one of my favorite stories in the Bible, because it just demonstrates God’s love so well.

That Sunday, I woke up and let myself have a slow moving morning before heading to church. As I drove to church, I was overcome with emotion as I prayed and thanked God for my life. Thinking of decisions I’d made years ago, and how God saw me in that place and He still wanted to use me, and so He brought me out to Pittsburgh. And now I’m serving in ways I never thought I would. I’m in ministries that I have such a heart for, that I never thought I’d be a part of, but now that I am, I can see how God is using the place I’d been in. Man. The fact that He would use me after the dark place I was in. That’s humbling. As I prayed, I put on a song that talks about the prodigal son- one of my all time favorite songs. It’s called To You by Maverick City- I’m going to paste the lyrics (and what Chandler Moore shares in the middle of it) below:

Coming back to You Not just coming, but I'm running Beneath the surface And what my eyes have seen Past the temporary, yeah I hear You beckon me, yeah To fall a little deeper, yeah Further than I've ever known I'm breaking through the boxes, yeah I'm running to Your throne And I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh What's every other option, yeah When I've know the sweeter choice (Oh, my God) My flesh may be a beggar (Yes, it is) But my spirit knows Your voice (Yes, it does) And I won't be satisfied (No, no, no) With temporary pleasures (No) I wanna taste and seen in full (Yes, I do, Lord) What I've only known in measures I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh All the way, all the way, all the way back Coming back to what we've always known, Jesus It's our first love, our first love I hear the song You’re singing Crying out, "Run, child, run" Father, I am returning I'll stay where I belong I hear the song You’re singing Crying out, "Run, child, run" Father, I am returning I'll stay where I belong I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm not just coming, but I'm running And I don't have to run the whole way 'Cause You'll meet me half way I'm not just coming, but I'm running You don't make me come the whole way alone Yeah, yeah, yeah Here I come running, running Here I come running, running Here I come running, running And I won't look back No, I won't look back Here I come running, running (Here I come) Here I come running, running Here I come running, running And I won't look back No, I won't look back I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm not just coming, but I'm running What I love about the story of the prodigal son is that when the son made-up, when the Bible said he came to his senses and he was ready to go back, first thing is that he was ready to go back as a slave though he was a son. He was ready to start from the bottom and do something that he was undervalued for. And when the father brought him back, he not just brought him back as a son but he rewarded him with a celebration as if he was there all along. The other thing is that the Bible says that as the son was going back home, that he was not the only one running and going. The Bible says that the father was not just sitting on a porch, waiting for him to come, and just looking at him afar off. The Bible says when the father saw him, that the father begins to run to him, too. And in the Jewish cultures, kings don't run. Like, kings aren't supposed to be running with their long dresses and stuff. But the father broke the rules of normality because his son was in need. And the father began to run, too. So that's why we just say, we just get so excited when we say... Here I come running, running Here I come running, running Here I come running, running And I won't look back No, I won't look back Lord, I've come to my senses Let go of offenses And You come running You come running back to me Oh, I've come to my senses Let go of offenses And You come running, running While I am running, running And You're running, running (And You're running, running) While I'm running, running (While I'm running, running) You come running, running (You come running, running) Running, running (While I'm running, running) You won't stop running, running (You come running, running) I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh I'm coming back to You, ooh Not just coming, but I'm running You're not just coming, but You're running To my rescue You're not just coming, but You're running When You see Your son or daughter in pain In stress and frustration Lacking joy You're not just coming, but You're running All the way, all the way, all the way back

I walked into church that morning with so much excitement, and then it seemed that thing after thing happened to make me feel like I was failing at everything I had just thanked God for a few hours before. I wanted to go home and sleep the day away, but I knew I had to worship through this. And so I went to church that night. I sat in the third row, and I leaned into the message like I hadn’t heard it that morning. I got up when the message was over and I was ready to worship. As we entered into worship, one of our pastors talked about the fact that there was some trauma in the room that hadn’t been dealt with, that there were some people in the room that just needed to finally say out loud, even just to themselves, what had happened, the name of the person that had hurt them. And as the worship team sang/played in the background, I did just that. And I felt more freedom than I’d felt in quite some time. And then our pastor warned us of something- he warned us to not be surprised when tomorrow we’re attacked. And so I heard what he said, but I didn’t really keep it in the front of my mind.

I woke up the next morning and immediately started playing “To You”, and after everyone/everything running late that day, I grabbed my team before our young adult group that Monday, and I was honest with them. I told them that every plan for the night had fallen through, that the whole night would be spontaneous. And I told them about the part of my day where I had been feeling discouraged- and then I reminded them of that point. That freedom came to a lot of people the night before, and we’d been warned that the enemy was going to come at us harder. And I shared how excited I was for the night ahead, because God works in spontaneous moments, when we let go of our own plans.

One of my favorite people preached that night, and she talked about calling vs purpose. And she talked about how we can sometimes get so caught up in what we think our calling is that we’re so set in our own plan and then we fight God when He tries to bring us the right way. We can get caught up in making our calling our focus instead of Him.

And I noticed in little ways how I’d been doing that.

And so here I am, telling my friend this story as we sit in her driveway and I tell her how God has just been so patient with me, in the rollercoaster of the past few weeks. In the midst of my business, I was being reminded just how much I need to rely on Him and run to Him instead of my calling. I could see myself on a track- I’d gone over my line several times, I’d slowed down as I got a little distracted along the way, but I could hear someone calling my name. Kind of like my pastor calling my name when I had my panic attack. And that same voice was cheering me on, and I stopped looking at how fast the people on either side of me were running, I stopped getting distracted by whatever else was around the track, and I picked up my walk and turned it into running. I could feel my heart running back. And this time it wasn’t “man, what could God be thinking of me after another mistake? After another thing?”, it was “I just need to run back to my Father, I can’t wait.”

After I say all the things that this word means, my friend kind of laughed to herself. “Well, Kendall, the reason I got you that sticker was because it made me think of that song that you love where it talks about the prodigal son, and how in that time it wasn’t proper for kings to run, but the father doesn’t care and he just takes off running.” The coolest thing? Neither of us had communicated any of this before that Monday, before the word running hit me. And the sticker was meant to be here a few weeks earlier, but it got delayed in the mail. And the day I would get the sticker would be the day where this whole thing would begin, and I’d find myself stuck back on that song, not even knowing that Meg had bought me the sticker because she knew how much that song meant to me. And until she had made this comment, she wasn’t even 100% sure if that was the song I’d been talking about in my story.

I got home and I cried. God just constantly blows me away. And that’s when I started this journal, but I couldn’t finish it. And so the next night, as I worked on some stuff from home, I decided to put on a movie. If you know me, you know I have go to movies or shows when I’m getting stuff done, and for whatever reason, on this night I just wanted to watch a different movie. And so I put it on and I worked, and then I found myself crying.

If you were wondering, I was watching Finding Dory.

And the part that wrecked me? It’s when Dory finds herself outside of the aquarium, separated from Marlin and Nemo, when she was finally feeling like she was so close to finding her parents. All of a sudden she’s all alone in this place she doesn’t know. And she starts to panic a little bit. And what really hit me was when she starts to say “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” which is something I find myself saying when I’m in the middle of a panic attack. I always end up repeating “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Or “I don’t know what to do.” Or even “What do I do?” And I had JUST been in that place. And so Dory eventually gets to a point where she’s like “okay…where can I go from here?” and so she starts to move forward and she starts to swim and basically starts doing these grounding exercises. And she looks down to the ocean floor and sees these shells, and so she starts to follow them and comes to this place where she sees all these different paths leading to this one tunnel. And as she gets closer to the tunnel, her parents appear, carrying all these shells. And they get so excited to see her. And Dory starts to apologize for getting lost and wandering off. (Which also hits me because even earlier in the movie, Dory starts to get anxious about even trying to still find her parents because she’s afraid that they’d be mad at her or that they wouldn’t want to see her.) And in the middle of Dory apologizing, her parents express how proud they are of her for finding them. They had been working on every path possible for her to find them again. And man, doesn’t God do that same thing??? He makes a way in every path to provide a way for us to run back, and when He sees us running back He runs to us, even faster than we can run to Him, and He tells us how proud He is of us for running back. He wraps us up in a big hug, one of those hugs where it’s so tight that it just takes your breath away. There is nothing that He can’t do to make a way for us to run back.

And man, I am not worthy of that. Time after time that I get distracted. Time after time that I choose something over Him. And yet He saw me before I was even in my mother’s womb and He decided that, to Him, I was worth it all. I was worth Him giving His Son.

You know, the definition of the word prodigal is: having or giving something on a lavish scale, or a person that spends money in a recklessly extravagant way. And so the prodigal son is given his inheritance before his father even passes away, he is given many riches, and yet he recklessly spends it on things that don’t matter.

But when I think of the word lavish, I think of how Ephesians 1:8,9 says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us.” And when I think of something recklessly extravagant I think of the way that God loves us. It’s reckless in the way that, like the father in the story of the prodigal son, God does not care if someone else thinks that we’re undeserving of His love, mercy, or grace- He gives it to us anyway. He is not swayed by what other people may think of Him.

He’s not just coming, but He’s running.