Even When it Hurts

March.

It comes with a mix of emotions for me.

There’s excitement as I think about how spring is coming. There’s awe as it marks another year since I’d officially given my life to Jesus and gotten rebaptized. There’s gratitude as this year marks 9 whole years since my last suicide attempt. But it also comes with some heartache as it’s the anniversary of losing Harley.

If you’ve known me for some time, you’ve probably heard me talk about Harley. I hate saying this, but I know I don’t talk about her nearly as much as I used to. If I’m being totally honest, it just hurts. Or I feel bad for talking about her because I know it can be heavy. But whether you’ve heard me talk about Harley or not, if you’ve met me then you’ve gotten to know things about Harley, even if you didn’t realize they were connected to her.

There are times that I wonder why I stayed back home for so long after I knew that I was being called into ministry. I believe there were things that God taught me in those years, but I also fully believe that part of why I stayed in NEPA for so long was because I was supposed to meet Harley.

She changed my life. That’s something I can say that I knew long before I lost her.

My Harley girl.

To meet her was to know that her life had been radically changed by Jesus. Harley had been through a lot, and yet she smiled through it. Not just because she was incredibly strong, but because she knew where her joy came from. And where her joy came from is where her strength came from.

My favorite thing about Harley was the way that she worshiped. I remember a worship night we went to where everybody in almost the whole arena was sitting, but I felt Harley stand up next to me with arms raised. It wasn’t to have eyes on her, but it was because her eyes were on Him. That’s how I remember her. That is the image that pops into my mind every time I think of her. She impacted the way that I lead worship today.

Two days after losing her, I led worship at church. I didn’t know what else to do. I’d never experienced this kind of grief, it hit me differently than any other loss that I’d ever gone through. I didn’t know how to grieve properly, I didn’t know how to process, I didn’t know what to feel. But all I could do in that moment was worship. And I knew it was what she’d want me to do.

So when I sang Even When it Hurts at Sisterhood last week…I felt that. Every single word. I’ve gone through the heartache, the anger, the guilt. I’ve sat in the moments where I couldn’t find the words. In the moments where I thought I’d lost my strength, I had to choose to focus on Him and praise Him anyway. I think my favorite line from Even When it Hurts is “even when my time on earth is done, louder then I’ll sing Your praise.” I can only imagine how loud Harley is singing right now. I can only imagine how high her arms are raised. I can only imagine how big the smile on her face is. It puts a smile on my face. Every moment I worship, I’m worshiping with her.

There are moments where I feel like I have nothing in me to give other than my worship. On Friday we had a worship night with leaders from our youth and young adult groups. About an hour before we had practice, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. But I also knew that I had to be there. I knew I had to get into His presence. And so we worshiped as a team, and we declared God’s goodness. And as I led worship, He brought me back to a moment I’d experienced at Passion this year. Going into Passion, I knew that I was looking for God to do something in me. And as I went through Passion without experiencing this healing, I realized that I hadn’t really been worshiping in the process. And so in this moment with our leaders on Friday, I noticed myself worshiping not in a way that I was looking for healing from the hurt in my heart, but I was worshiping from a feeling of content. As we sang Jireh, I felt my heart cry that Jireh is enough, and just worshiping Him is enough. Worshiping Him is enough to make me content in every circumstance. Worship brings our thoughts together and focuses them in on Him.

I’ve shared this thought with people before, but there’s this song that we sing (it’s one that we sang on Friday) and it’s called When I Lock Eyes with You. I remember singing it about a year ago in a time where I was trying to heal from stuff. I remember the fight it was for me to worship in that time. I was dealing with lies that people had spoken over me years before and I was seeing myself as way less than what God would ever think or speak of me. And so I put this song on and I felt like God was telling me that to truly worship Him is to lock eyes with Him, and when I truly lock eyes with Him I will see my reflection. But it’s not the distorted reflection that I may see when I look at myself in the mirror, the one that I can find myself thinking poorly of. But to see my reflection in His eyes is to see myself as nothing less than the way He sees me. That if I lock eyes with Him then I really can’t see myself as anything other than His beloved daughter. It’s a reflection of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. But what I felt like I was seeing as we sang this song on Friday was that when I truly lock eyes with Him, everything else fades away. Every coping mechanism, every distraction. When I lock eyes with Him, it is impossible to see anything else as worthy of my praise.

I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but I am NOTHING without Him. He is the ONLY reason I’m here today. I am here today because nothing else ever worked. I am alive today because no suicide attempt ever worked, no plan for the enemy to take me out ever worked. I am in the place I’m in today because no other plan that I had for my life ever worked. He is the only “thing” that ever worked. I am not here today because my life was easy up to this point. I’m not here because I just had all of this strength on my own to get me through the lifetime of things I’ve gone through. But I am here today because His joy is my strength. But it is more than just getting into His presence, it is dwelling in His presence. It is in His presence where joy comes. I can have joy because I know what He’s brought me through, and I know that He will do it time and time again. That joy comes from Him because He already knows the plans for my life. When I lock eyes with Him, I see the affection in His eyes. When I lock eyes with Him, I can see that He is sincere in His love for me. His eyes don’t dart around in distraction or guilt, He is truth. When I look at Him, I see it. He is my strength. He is my joy. He is worthy of every breath. He is worthy of all praise, even when life hurts.