Dancing

When I was really little, my mom had me in dance lessons. Every time we would get to a recital, I would sit on stage and cry. From a very early age, I was absolutely terrified of what people would think of me. That changed a lot when I was 17, after giving my life to Jesus I saw a total transformation in my life. My anxiety was gone. I was no longer terrified of going places by myself, was no longer spending every second wondering what people would be thinking of me, being paranoid that people would stare at me. There was a freedom that I hadn’t experienced for any of my life before this point. But there was still stuff to learn, not even just about life, but about who I was.

Little by little, over the years, I’ve started to learn more things about myself. I’ve learned that things I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do were actually within me, I just needed to push myself outside of my comfort zones to unlock it. Over a year ago, I went to a worship night for a ministry that I wasn’t even a part of because I woke up that morning and felt like God was telling me to go. None of my friends could go with me though. I remember going into that night, not knowing who I was going to talk to, not knowing how I would be able to carry on conversations with people. I had to keep reminding myself that anxiety filled Kendall was much different from who I was this day. So I went into this really ‘intimidating’ situation where everyone attending basically already knew each other. They already had their friends. I walked into our church’s parking lot for an Inspire Collective Worship Night, and I had no problem talking to people. I worshiped my heart out, got called up to lead a song, I made new friends, and I had a great time. (Side note, I can’t help but really geek out about this night. It was my first night ever at Inspire Collective, and I was drawn to it because worship is my thing. Here we are now almost 2 years later and I get to be on staff for Inspire Collective, and I’m living my dream.)

But God did similar things this year, too. He revealed to me things that He had placed inside of me that I wasn’t unlocking. He revealed to me things that were made for me to experience laughter and love and joy.

It has been a YEAR. If I’m being honest, it might have been one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve mentioned many times in my last several journals/posts that I’ve been healing from some deep things. That there were things that happened years ago that I just now started to talk about this year. It’s been a fight to have grace for myself. It’s been a fight to forgive myself. It’s been a fight to be vulnerable. It’s been a fight to keep moving forward. It’s been a fight.

But can I tell you probably my favorite thing that I realized this year? (Hint: it has to do with how I started this journal.)

I remember going to a wedding before I moved to Pittsburgh, there were so many people on the dance floor. I remember wanting to go out and join them, but I held back. Same thing when I went home a year ago for my cousin’s wedding. But since my cousin’s wedding, I’ve been finding myself dancing more. When a song comes on and I’m walking around at youth group or Inspire Collective, I’m dancing. When I’m with my friends and we’re out to eat or at the mall and a song is playing, I’m dancing. I knew it. But I don’t think I really REALIZED it. And then I found myself at my friends’ wedding at the beginning of the month. And as soon as the dj announced that the floor was open, my friends and I took off running. And I danced. For hours. I remember always loving to dance. Obviously I didn’t like doing it in front of people, but I remember years of playing on my Wii to Just Dance, I remember moments of playing music in my room and dancing by myself…and here I was. On the dance floor. And I didn’t have a single care about what people would think.

My church just finished a series called “The Violent Protest for Joy”, and man, did that series come at a fitting time for me. I grew with the series. The second to last week of the series, my pastor talked about Matthew 18, and what it looks like to become like children. He said that, to become like children, you must: be playful, look to laugh, trust easily, and love to dance/sing.

As he talked about the idea of loving to dance and sing, he talked about his kiddos (the kiddos who I just so happen to have the amazing opportunity to spend time with every week). He talked about how they’ll break into a random dance that they will be choreographing in their head as they do it. They don’t have fear of looking foolish. They feel safe to dance and sing and be themselves. His point? “When I forget how my father treats me, I don’t feel safe to be a child.”

And so my prayer has been that I wouldn’t be running to Him as a grown child who’s gone through things and is trying to learn how to trust again, but my prayer has been that I would run to Him as a child filled with awe and wonder of her Father. That I would run to Him as an innocent child that doesn't have walls built up because of the past, I want to run to Him like a small child who knows nothing else.

I’m safe with Him. I’m safe to be who He created me to be. I am safe to laugh and sing and dance my heart out.

As I stood in my sister’s apartment with my mom a couple of weeks ago, I put on one of my current favorite songs and I just started dancing. And what she told me in that moment is something that made the whole year go full circle. She said “I think that you leading worship has helped you to dance through life.” And it has. Not because I’m comfortable on a stage, but because I know the source of my confidence. It has been through one of my hardest years that I have learned how to dance- because it was also this year that I learned that sometimes all you can do is pray and praise Him. That walking with Him is not just reading His word, but it is drawing nearer to Him when all you can do is cry.

There’s a song that says “we’ll be walking on the water, dancing on the waves,” and that’s been my year. Dancing on the waves. It gets steadier, it takes practice, and it takes letting Him lead you. I won’t stop dancing.