Alexis

If it's bandaging the broken

Or washing filthy feet

Here I am, Lord, send me

If it's loving one another

Even when we don't agree

Here I am, lord, send me

If I'm poor or if I'm wealthy

I'll serve you just the same

Here I am, Lord, send me

On the mountain or the valley

I will choose to praise

Here I am, lord, send me

If I'm known by how I love

Let my life reflect how much I love You

I love you

And before you even ask

Oh, my answer will be yes 'cause I love you

I love you

If the truth cuts like an arrow

I will say it anyway

'Cause here I am, lord, send me

And if it's means that they'll reject me

Lord, I will still obey

'Cause here I am, Lord, send me

And if I'm known by how I love

Let my life reflect how much I love you

I love you

And before you even ask

Oh, my answer will be yes 'cause I love you

Oh, I love love you

When I'm standing in your glory

I'll be glad I chose to say

Here I am, Lord, send me

Well done, good and faithful

I live to hear you say

Here I am, Lord, send me

Here I am, Lord, send me, oh

Here I am, Lord, send me

Oh, if I'm known by how I love

Let my life reflect how much I love you

Oh, I love You

And before you even ask

Oh, my answer will be yes 'cause I love you

I love you

Alexis. Meaning helper, defender, or protector.

Have you ever been asked that ice breaker question where you have to name 3 words that you feel describe who you are? One of my answers is always ‘protective’. But I wasn’t technically the one who first answered it for myself. One of my friends answered it for me a while ago, I couldn’t think of a word and so I asked them what a good word was- they mentioned how I protect my people. Looking back on my life, I can see that.

From as far back as I can remember, I’ve been super protective of whatever people are in my life. It wasn’t always the healthiest, I’d ignore people that never did anything wrong to me just because they’d done something to other people, or I’d find myself so filled with anxiety when I couldn’t protect the people that I cared about. I think everything I’d gone through while I was growing up had led me to put pressure on myself for a very long time to protect people when that was never my job.

It was one of the hardest things about losing Harley almost 2 years ago. I blamed myself for leaving, because who knows what would have happened had I just not left. I had a conversation with a mentor of mine almost a year ago, about weight I was carrying for Harley and for wanting to protect everyone so nothing bad could ever happen to them. I remember her saying to me, “Kendall, it’s about time you start protecting yourself the way you protect other people.” And that really hit me. When I was growing up, I did a lot of things out of wanting to receive love from people.

I don’t know how many of you know of the enneagram, but I’m an enneagram 2. (I know there are mixed feelings about the enneagram, but I believe that, if used correctly, it can be a great tool.) The enneagram 2 is the helper. Their biggest fear is being unwanted or unworthy of being loved. And when I found out my enneagram, so much of my life growing up seemed to make sense. But I believe that it’s still something I’m working on, that me not always protecting my heart is a result of me not wanting to be rejected by the people around me, and so then I put up with more than what I should, and don’t always stand up for myself. And if I’m being honest, I’ve been struggling with the feeling of rejection lately. I don’t know exactly why, but it hit me especially hard at a point last week. And normally my first thought is that I should just pull back from anyone and anything, but in all reality, I know that is not what protection is.

Protection is not building up a wall and not letting anyone in/not being plugged in with community. Protecting yourself means surrounding yourself with people you can trust, it means knowing who you are so that when lies come at you then you can replace them with truth. It means guarding your heart because everything you do flows from it, but not in a way that doesn’t let anything in, because if that’s the case then the Holy Spirit isn’t going to be able to come in either. It means being lined up with Him so that everything you do flows from HIM. It means letting HIM be the great defender.

The thing about God is that He is not overprotective- He doesn’t control, shelter you from the real world, and He doesn’t focus on achievement. But He protects in a way that He lets you experience the world so that you can grow and be aware of the ways in which He has created you.

My prayer is that He would break my heart for what breaks His- but it’s not for me to carry on my own. It's not up to me to keep everybody in the world safe, but it is up to me to make sure that I’m taking care of myself to be able to say ‘yes’ to where He wants me to go. Protecting means praying. Protecting means loving. There will be rejection, there will be hurt, but as long as I look to Him to be the healer, then I know that I’m in the right hands.

He created me as Kendall Alexis. He created me as a helper, a defender, a protector. It is a way in which I reflect Him. And if my heart breaks for what breaks His, then how I must understand the way His heart breaks when I don’t protect myself in order to help or even in order to not be rejected. In order to accurately portray the way He protects His children, then I need to make sure that I am also protecting myself.