The Light is There

"Blank Canvas" by Jordan Feliz

Bleeding colors on a page of black and white

You try your hardest but you can't stay in the lines

Every failure seems deeper than the last

But your tomorrow doesn't have to be your past

'Cause every day's a blank canvas for you

From the God who makes all things new

Lay your worries down and rest in the truth

That you're not out of chances

Every day's a blank canvas for you

You don't feel picture perfect and sometimes it hurts so much

But forever faithful is the hand that holds the brush

Your life is painted with a love that won't let go

And the Artist loves you more than you can know

'Cause every day's a blank canvas for you

From the God who makes all things new

Lay your worries down and rest in the truth

That you're not out of chances

Every day's a blank canvas for you

The sun will rise

New mercy, new life

A new mercy, new life

Lift up your eyes

Into a beautiful sight

'Cause every day's a blank canvas for you

From the God who makes all things new

Lay your worries down and rest in the truth

That you're not out of chances

Every day's a blank canvas for you

“The pain you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”

-Romans 8:18

Normally when I want to write a journal, I will take several days to gather my thoughts and pray about what I’m supposed to say. That was not the case with this journal. This journal came from a bunch of little things that kept popping up in my life and God just gave me the words. First was a sermon that I watched about suicide the other day (some of my points in this come from that sermon), then a student that I love very much being told by her bullies that nobody loves her and that she should go kill herself, then a post on Facebook giving reasons not to kill yourself (which will be in this journal at a later point), then watching a documentary on sexual assault victims (one of which committed suicide), along with a bunch of little ideas for this journal that kept me up late last night, and to top it all off was a message that I woke up to this morning:

“So I was reading this article on suicide and what happens the moments after that and can I just say I am so glad you failed when you tried because if you didn’t I would have never met you, and you have impacted my life so much. I love you from the bottom of my heart.”

There was a reason that I failed, and one of those reasons is so I can share this with you today. But, my main reason for wanting to write this post is for that student who is being told that she should kill herself.

To say that breaks my heart is an understatement, but I realize that her bullies couldn’t have felt the absolute heartache that’s attached to suicide in order for them to say that.

They can’t know what it’s like to be in middle school and find out what self-harm is because of their best friend’s marks. They can’t know what it’s like to sit in the nurse’s office for hours and hours with their friend to make sure that they’re safe. They can’t know what it’s like to attempt suicide, to feel like that’s the only escape. They can’t know what it’s like to have a depressed/suicidal friend message them, asking them what they would do if they died. They can’t know how absolutely TERRIFYING it is to respond to that friend, telling them that you can’t imagine life without them, and then receive no response back. They can’t know what it’s like to have to call a friend who lives by your depressed/suicidal friend to have them check and make sure that everything is okay. They can’t know the heartache of finding out that an old friend died and then later finding out that it was suicide. They can’t know about the loss of appetite and the type of crying where all you can do is curl up in a ball and scream. They can’t know, can they? But why does it have to take these experiences to make someone STOP?

Why does it take someone committing suicide for people to speak up? Why does it take someone committing suicide for schools to suddenly care about their students? Why does it take someone committing suicide for people to try to treat others kindly?

Do not waste time! If you see the beauty in someone then SPEAK IT. Reach out to the ‘outcasts’ that sit alone or look ‘different’ from everybody else. Don’t do what our culture says to do. Don’t focus on popularity or reputation. One of the girls in the documentary I watched last night said “The pressure to be perfect is much stronger than the love in this world.” That’s a problem. We need to stop walking past people who need to feel love in order to do what this world says we have to do to be perfect. As a follower of Jesus we hold the greatest love of all! Who are we to not share that with the people who need it most? Any day can be the day that someone plans to kill themselves. Just like not everyone knows why you might be having a bad day, you don’t know what someone else can be going through.

The thing about suicide is that it’s seen as a weakness. But really, there is little difference between mental illness and physical illness. Mental illness is not just in your head. The thing is, physical illness isn’t really looked at as a weakness. What happens when we break bones? We want people to sign our casts! We don’t look at it as a weakness. But with mental illness, nobody wants to talk about their struggles or that they’re speaking to a counselor. Mental illness is looked at as a weakness, but that can’t be further from the truth. It’s okay not to be okay, but it is NOT okay to stay that way. There are better ways to kill your sadness than to kill yourself. You don’t have to die to end your pain. There is nothing TOO big for God. Feelings change. If you got up today, there’s still purpose. You’re not out of chances; every day is a blank canvas.

Suicide is really just Satan speaking his fear into your life. Satan feels threatened by the plans God has to USE what you’re going through. Suicidal thoughts and depression don’t come just because you’re not spiritual enough. Do not ever let somebody tell you that you’re feeling that way just because you’re not spiritual enough. I have had seasons of life where I pray, read my bible, and do devotions every single day but still battle depression and suicidal thoughts, Satan wants you distracted. Being a Christian does not make all of that go away, but it does give you new joy. There were times that I was depressed, there were times that I thought about giving up, times I thought about how everyone would be better off without me, but then I remember what God brought me to the last time I felt that way. He has never failed me. Every time I get past a season like that, I’m able to see possible ways that I can use it, and I’m able to see that life is the best that it’s ever been. God will not leave you there.

Every night I go to sleep with some sort of light on, I just don’t like the dark. But, if I were to turn all the lights off, that doesn’t mean that the source of light has left me. Depression and suicidal thoughts are like a dark room, where you’re wandering around and just can’t seem to find the light. You may get really far from where the light source is, but that doesn’t mean that it is NOT there. You may end up on the completely other side of the room. You may get tired of searching in the dark, but I promise you that the light is there. And once you turn your light on, it might help someone else find theirs. Your light might be the one that shines through the cracks in their door, the one that lights the room up just enough for them to start in the right direction towards their light source. YOU can save the life of others that feel the same way you do.

Don’t look for quick fixes, it will only make you feel worse later. Feel what you need to feel, but if things are going wrong, then it’s not the end.

I will leave you with the Facebook post that I saw last night:

Don’t kill yourself today

Because your Netflix trial still has a week left

Don’t kill yourself today

Because no one else will finish off the chicken in the fridge

Don’t kill yourself today

Because I know for a fact that Starbucks is releasing a new Frappuccino sometime next month

Yes, your mother will miss you

Yes your bully will make a sappy Facebook post about how what a wonderful person you were

And yes

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

You know that

You’ve known that

Everyone and anyone has been shoving that down your throat since they first learned what the word suicide meant

So don’t kill yourself

Until you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time

Don’t kill yourself

Until Doctor Who is finally cancelled

Don’t kill yourself

Until you tell someone your best pasta recipe

Don’t kill yourself

Because I will keep coming up with reasons for you not to

And I need you

To hear all of them

Don’t kill yourself

I love you

You’re important

It’s a bad day

Not a bad life

There is more to this

The world will keep spinning on its axis without you

But

Think of all the sunrises you’d miss

I know this sounds pointless

But when you’re sitting in front of everything deadly you own

Revising your goodbyes

There will be too much darkness

To see anything else

But this is not about seeing anything else

This is about turning off the lights

This is about finding the bed instead of the noose

This is about giving yourself one more day

Even if it takes ten thousand of those

One more morning’s

Until

“I can’t wait for tomorrow”

This is about staying alive

Because there’s gonna be a new Marvel movie

No one should miss that

This is about staying alive

Because the future is coming

And it’s ready for you

I don’ t need you to see it

I just need you to believe you can make it

Until then

***Please, if you are considering suicide, get help. There is a Suicide Prevention Lifeline available 24/7 that you can call or even message. (1-800-273-8255)

Link to the sermon: