Passion (Part 1)

God, you're so good.

God, you're so good.

God, you're so good.

You're so good to me.

The week before Passion 2018, I got a really bad cough and ended up with a sore throat. Knowing that I couldn't be sick for Passion, I took medicine, drank tea, and did everything that I could to feel better. Finally, the night before, I was feeling like my normal self. I went to a hockey game and then my parents gave me a ride to a nearby store, where my friend was going to pick me up so we could sleep in my church's youth house that night with one of our other friends. My dad talked to my friend about different driving routes. We were supposed to be getting snow that night, and if the roads were bad, we weren't supposed to take the way we originally planned on. But, at that time it wasn't snowing, so we figured we would be fine. We made it to the youth house, got everything settled, and then the 3 of us were up and ready at 4 am to start our drive to Georgia. As we made our way outside, we noticed that snow was just starting to fall, but the roads looked fine. We took the original route. It didn't take long for us to realize that the roads were only fine in our area, and they started to get worse and worse. This snow stressed our driver out and stressed me out a little bit, as tractor-trailers were speeding down the snowy/icy highway, one of them even making their own lane in order to pass us. This snow set us back at least an hour since we couldn't go the speed limit on the highway for the rest of Pennsylvania and Maryland. Finally, the snow was behind us, we were able to relax, and we continued on with our long drive. Once we made it out of Virginia, we started to hit traffic. It would be really bad in some areas, totally clear up, and then get bad again. This set us back even more and we were all getting tired of being in the car. In addition to the traffic in the south, there was also another problem. It was a lot warmer than back home. My throat does not do well with that big of a change in temperature. I started to lose my voice. But, I was trying to keep a good mindset, hoping that my voice would be back in two days, in time for Passion. In addition to traffic, and me losing my voice, one of my friends started to have negative thoughts fill his head. He forgot his anxiety medicine, and he naturally is an over-thinker. All this negativity made me think of something.

"I think all these setbacks are a good thing." He gave me a weird look. "I think that the three of us are being attacked by negative mindsets right now because the devil doesn't want us to be open to what God is going to do on this trip." He agreed, and after a couple more hours we finally arrived. I got to see my boyfriend for the first time in almost a year. We met at Passion in 2017, became best friends, and then after 9 months, we started a relationship. Since his house isn't too far from where Passion was, we stayed there for the time that we weren't staying in our Passion hotel. This also meant that we got to go to church with his family.

The next morning we went to church. We were welcomed with hugs, and as we got further into the building we jumped right into a time of worship. My voice was almost completely gone at this point, so I kept my mouth shut (it also helped that I didn't know any of the songs). After worship, they did a recap of all the things that God had done through their church that year and then talked about what they can see happening with their church in the future. They finished up by having people go up to be prayed for if there was something specific going on in their lives. In this time, they started back up with worship, so I continued to keep my mouth shut and looked around me in awe of what God was doing. After a couple of minutes, my boyfriend's father walked up to one of my friends, a friend that wasn't at Passion the year before, and talked to him about opening his expectations more and letting God change him through the week. Wow. I fought back tears, I had been praying for this friend for a long time, praying that he would let God take control of his life and that he would grow in his relationship with Christ. I wasn't able to sing at all that morning, something that I always use to worship God, but I was able to see God moving around me, through my friends and through this church.

At last, it was the first day of Passion. My voice still wasn't back and I wasn't feeling good, but I was excited about what was going to come. And, after standing out in the winter cold for at least 20 minutes, we were shuffled into the arena. We grabbed the first seats we could get and just sat and relaxed until it was time for Passion to start. I can't remember what song they started with, but I can tell you that the new songs for Passion 2018 are beautiful and filled with so much truth. I prayed and prayed throughout the songs that God would give me my voice back, that I would be able to sing His praise even though Satan was trying to throw several roadblocks in my trip. Despite my prayers, my voice didn't come back, so I continued to just think about the words to the songs and continued to thank God for how good He was/is in every moment.

After worship came Levi Lusko. If you know me, you know that I love Levi Lusko and that he is one of my absolute favorite pastors (and authors, seriously, check his books out). Levi and his wife lost their daughter when she was just 5 years old, and since then they have used their pain to reach out and help other people who have pain from losing someone in their life. But Levi doesn't just use his pain, he uses his life experiences to connect with and inspire others. As soon as Levi was on the screen, my notebook was out, and I was ready to hear what he had prepared for Session 1. The point of Levi's message was 'The more you look forward to the next world, the less you'll need in this one'. Wow. He starts off with 2 Corinthians 4, saying that the darker the space, the more room for God's grace. In verse 16 it gives us hope that our God, who rose Jesus up from the grave, will raise us up also. Then Levi went into the idea of 'Kicking the Bucket List', that the emphasis for Christian life is ALWAYS what God has done for us. We shouldn't be following bucket lists; we should be following the calling that God has given us. What's cool about this is that my friend kept talking about this fortune that he got in a fortune cookie a few days before Passion, it said 'You'll know where you're going when you get there'. I'm not saying fortune cookies are all correct, or that you should follow what they say, but that fortune was running through my head as Levi talked about following God's calling, even if we don't know where it's going to land. As we follow what God tells us to do, we will know where He's calling us when we get to where He wants us. From here, Levi talks about the bucket list, the things that we do to make ourselves happy in life. Anything that you put pressure on to make you happy cannot handle your soul. You MUST have relaxed confidence in that God is in charge of your life and forever is ours. We're going to come out of the grave and have greater joy than what any material thing can give us in this life! Levi then went on to give three points: 1) The less you need from this world, the more you can do for it. 2) The less you need from this world, the more you can withstand pain in it. In Romans 8:18 it talks about the prize that God promises us, we must focus on that. 3) The less you need from this world, the more you'll enjoy it. Make it your ambition to be less ambitious. Stop trying to achieve everything that you have planned for yourself. Don't follow your dreams, follow Jesus! Be faithful to the call of God on your life! Levi ended by pulling out a tiny scale and piling a bunch of small material objects. He then went on to say that if he were to stand on that same scale that it would break because it was not meant for him. He pulled out a bigger scale, put the small material objects on it, and said that the scale couldn't pick them up because it wasn't meant for them, so he stood on the scale. A lot of times in life we put a bunch of things on this tiny scale and then are surprised when stuff doesn't work out as we plan. We need a bigger scale, one that can handle God's glory, one that can hold everything you will go through-not a small scale that wasn't meant for you!

Then comes day two. I still had no voice, and in addition to no voice, I would also have random coughing fits. I struggled through worship and John Piper's sermon (I didn't get notes from it, but it's on YouTube if y'all wanna give it a listen). As we entered into another time of worship, I ran into a tiny little emergency that made me have to leave that session. The rule is that you aren't allowed to reenter. I so badly wanted to be there, but I knew that I couldn't stay. I wasn't expecting this emergency, it caught me off guard and in turn, I ended up crying. Through this emotional setback, my boyfriend asked me if I needed him. I didn't want him to miss Passion, it's changed his life, and it's something that's important to him, so I told him that I didn't want him to miss any sessions. His response was: "That's not what I asked. I asked if you needed me." Through sobs, I managed to choke out a 'yes, please', and he was there. Jack took care of me, got me stuff that I needed, didn't get upset or angry with me. Even in a time where Satan was trying to distract me, I was still getting a glimpse of Jesus through this amazing man. Right before I took a nap, I looked over at Jack with a smile on my face and told him how excited I was for all the little setbacks, because I knew that God was gonna do something awesome that Satan wanted us to miss out on.

After waking up and filling my stomach with some Chick-fil-A, I was ready to go back to Passion. We started with worship and then Louie Giglio took the stage. He started off with two questions: 1) What is my purpose?/What am I supposed to do? 2) Can I get past my past? In Acts 2:22-24&36, it talks about the finished work of Christ, and Louie used this to talk about the unfinished work of the Church. With our unfinished work, we must put the past behind us by focusing our gaze on Jesus. To move past the past, we must focus on the finished work of Christ. In Isaiah 6 it tells us that the finished work of Christ cleanses us. 2 Corinthians 5:21 shows us that we didn't get what we deserve, thank God for that! Going back to question 1, Louie mentioned how our purpose is IN the unfinished work of the church. This 'unfinished work' is to share the finished work. Acts 2:4-8 tells of speaking in tongues, how it reached people that spoke different languages. The nature of the Gospel is to save; people should be saved every day! It doesn't matter what tools you do and don't have, you always have the Gospel. Matthew 28 says to go and make disciples. Then a flaming arrow appeared on the screen. The tip of the arrow being Jesus' name, the arrow being the gospel, the flame being The Spirit, the shaft of the arrow is the people/us/the church, and the fletching is the word. Our arrow is on fire to finish the unfinished work, to share the word of Christ. The finished work of Christ gave birth to the church; it is our mission to share this with everyone on the planet. We should let God launch our life somewhere for HIS glory. We should be hoping that the plans we have for our own life don't come true. Never be too sure of what you're going to do, never let others tell you what you won't do, let God take control of your life and your specific purpose. The end will come when the Gospel reaches EVERYONE, when everyone has a chance to make the decision to follow Christ. He finished with a few questions: Do you trust His hands? Do you believe that the purpose is grand (Do you believe that the whole world hearing about Jesus is better than your plan)? Do you believe the cost is worth it? In this moment, Louie asked people who wanted to give their life to Jesus to stand up. I looked around as people started to stand together, and then I saw a guy several rows below me stand up by himself and raise his arms. Although he was a distance off, I could tell he was crying, but it was a joyful cry. I got teary-eyed as he stood all by himself in an arena filled with thousands of people. Yes, it was a Christian conference, but it can still be nerve-wracking to stand by yourself when all the people around you are sitting. This guy was making the decision to follow Jesus for the very first time and it was awesome.

As people started to take their seats again, a video started to play for Compassion. Compassion International is an organization that helps sponsor children that are living in poverty areas. The first time I ever heard about this I wanted to sponsor a child, but I was young and never had a steady income. As I got older, it became something that I wanted to do even more. A couple months ago, I made the decision to drop out of college once my semester ended and knew that I would be starting a job when the next semester rolled around. With this income, I wanted so badly to sponsor a child. I was on Compassion's website daily, looking at the children that needed a sponsor, praying that God would show me which one to sponsor when I wanted to sponsor them all. I came across a little girl with a huge smile on her face, and I instantly felt like this could be the one...but I was still months away from starting a job, so I continued to pray for it. When I saw all the booklets at Passion for sponsorships, I prayed about it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to sponsor a child while I was at Passion, and I knew there were thousands and thousands of people who attend Passion, any of them could have been assigned this little girl that I'd come to love. I kept praying about it, praying that if I was supposed to sponsor her that God would keep her from being sponsored by anyone else. Then it was a waiting game, I would have to wait until I got home to see if somebody else had sponsored her or not.

Then suddenly it was day three. I did not want it to be over. Of course, we started with worship, and this time I sang along. My voice still wasn't fully recovered, but I didn't care. One of the new songs had a line that was 'So we shout from the depths of our redeemed lungs'. I did just that. Satan had tried to ruin my attitude but it wasn't going to work. No matter what he threw at me, I wasn't going to let that get in the way of my worship. After a few songs, Priscilla Shirer came out on stage. Wow, y'all. I thought all of the messages were great, but this one hit me the most. I had never heard of Priscilla before Passion, I didn't know what to expect, but the second she started talking I closed my notebook and put my pens away. She instantly drew me in and I didn't want to let notes distract me, I wanted to give her my full attention, I could tell that it was going to be good.

Priscilla started off by talking about her family. She started to tell a story of her son when he was in a baseball tournament. His team was doing well and as they were getting ready to go to their next game he saw the team that they were about to face. This was a team that had totally beat them earlier in the season, so he started to lose confidence as he walked by. He started to lose his confidence UNTIL he heard what some of the players were saying about him, about how good of an athlete he was. Priscilla's point with this story was that it's amazing how your countenance changes when you really hear what the enemy is saying about you. When a daughter or son walks by, the devil will shake because of the Holy Spirit inside of that child. Priscilla went on to say that even if you don't believe what God says about you, the enemy believes it. The enemy knows it all, he KNOWS that WE WIN! It would be a shame for the enemy to believe more about your potential than you do. The enemy knows all this, and so he scatters challenges around to keep you from your potential. If you placed your life in Jesus then the enemy KNOWS that he can't destroy you, but he is going to spend the rest of his time trying to distract you. When we go through these battles it is spiritual warfare. Satan hopes to hide behind pressing problems so we look at the flesh and blood and end up directing the wrong weapons at the wrong culprit. The problem is not your job, your parents, your spouse, money, anything else. The problem is the enemy that is disguising himself in those areas. The enemy is unseen, hoping we focus on other things/people. There's always something that you can't see influencing something that you can. Pull back the curtain and let the enemy know that you have an eye on him; you know what he's trying to do. His schemes are premeditated, he studies you and your history to know what will cause you to stumble. But how do we overcome this? Well, anything natural CANNOT take care of the supernatural! We need weapons for our spiritual warfare. We need the full armor of God, from Ephesians 6:10-18. There are the usual 6 pieces: the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shield of faith, the sword of the spirit, and feet prepared with the gospel of peace. She really focused on the breastplate of righteousness, saying that righteousness is right side up living, inviting God's favor and living into your life. But, Priscilla mentions a 7th one-prayer (verse 18). This armor is what is going to protect us in this warfare. One shot at our spiritual heart will wipe us out. Our spiritual heart includes our mind, our emotions, our ambitions, and our conscience. We can't sacrifice these things to impress people; we should be living for the applause of heaven. Priscilla had us raise our hands if we were living out of alignment, or trying to live right but by our own power weren't able to be set free. She had us raise our hands if we wanted to get our breastplate in place and if we needed God to do what He does. It was something that I knew I needed to do. Priscilla ended by talking about the Lion King. In the Lion King, there's this moment where the hyenas are picking on Simba, so he gives out this little roar. The hyenas kinda laugh at him so Simba tries again and again, and nothing scares them off...until Simba goes to give his roar again and it comes out as a huge roar. But that's not Simba's roar, it's Mufasa's. Mufasa comes behind Simba in this time where Simba's being taunted by the enemy and scares the enemy away with his roar. That's how our God is. Whatever assignment is planned against us, God will come behind us. The roar of the father is behind us!

Up until May of 2017, I was living ashamed. I had given my life to Jesus, but I had done things that I regretted, I had done things that didn't reflect who Jesus is. I was so ashamed, shackled by the enemy, thinking that I wasn't a Christian just because I wasn't living a perfect life. But, on May 27th I was woken up by a little package being tossed at me. I knew that this package was coming; I had received a letter pertaining to it a couple days before. It was a birthday present from Jack. I opened the package first and I could instantly feel the tears coming. Next was the letter.

So, I open this letter from Jack and I start to read it:

"I couldn't help but notice there might be some shame attached to your past. God doesn't see what you've done; He sees who you are and who you have become. Whatever it is that is causing shame, God wants to remove it and rewrite your identity. He wants you to be a shameless daughter, not an ashamed daughter. With that said, I got you a key to remind you of your new identity."

I finished reading this letter and the tears started to fall like crazy. I felt God telling me to kneel, so I did and started to pray. I prayed for forgiveness from God and myself. I prayed for His strength through my issues. I let all of the shame out and just like that, my tears stopped, almost as if God was telling me that I'd shed enough tears for this. I put on my 'shameless daughter' key and I instantly felt so much lighter.

I still have bad days. I'm human, I'm not perfect. But, I've learned that we all have our weaknesses. Like Priscilla said, the devil studies us, he knows what will cause us to stumble and lose focus. That's why I've chosen to live unashamed. When I stumble, I move my eyes upward, to the one who helps me up.

So, here I am at Passion, Priscilla speaking to something that is a HUGE part of my testimony, and I can't help but get emotional. There was a song at Passion this year that happened to be my favorite. The song is about living ashamed, thinking that you were so far away from God, thinking that you were out of His reach, being so embarrassed you didn't want to show your face. Then Him calling us beyond our sin because it was ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF! One of my favorite lines in this song is 'Then Jesus mercy shut his mouth'. Jesus died for us so that we could be forgiven, so we wouldn't live ashamed every day. He died because HE LOVES US! How beautiful is that?! He was tempted in His life but didn't fall, then He BECAME SIN, took ALL of our sins so that we might become His righteousness! He was and is our rescue. The devil lost! Jesus' resurrection shut him up because he knew that he lost, he knows the end result. So then the chorus comes and talks about God's love, a love that doesn't know conditions. Because of this love, we know who we are and what He says about us. It is IN His word! Then the bridge really makes it even better, talking about the King we serve who only has good intentions. Our King doesn't turn His back on us, instead, He treasures us. He changed our destiny by sending His Son. We didn't get what we deserve, thank God for that!

I remember raising both of my arms at one point during worship. This is something that I normally don't do. I was raised in churches where it wasn't very common to raise a hand or both for that matter. But, it was something that had started to change within my own church within the past year. Raising my arms was something that was outside of my comfort zone. But this moment brought me back to the previous year.

In Passion 2017 I was going through something that was distracting me from God. There was a song last year (Heart Abandoned) that literally said 'God, give me a heart abandoned, ever after you alone!' I remember singing this song last year and crying because that's what I wanted. I didn't want to be distracted by this situation; I wanted my heart to be emptied of everything that wasn't from God. So, in this moment I had raised both of my hands in this moment of total surrender, realizing that I needed to make a change in my life.

So, in this moment at Passion 2018, there was a line that said 'If more of you means less of me take everything!' I have grown a lot since Passion 2017, but there is always room for improvement. There are still things that I need to fully give to God, that I need to not be so focused on myself and my wants, but I need to be focused on God and what His purpose for my life. In this moment I was reflecting on Priscilla's message, and it was a moment of total surrender, that if more of God means that I need to let go of things, then I want Him to take it all. All of my sin, temptations, wants, EVERYTHING, not just what I decide that I want Him to take.

(Part 2 will be uploaded later tonight or tomorrow)