Hope Beyond the Suffering

"Glimmer In The Dust" Hillsong United

I was lost in a moment A glimmer in time Like a child chasing shadows My back to the light I was lost in a fog till You caught my eye Through the smoke and the mirrors A glimmer of life

I know there's a place I belong Where I'll see the fullness of love A child face to face with my God Lost in Your awesome wonder While I wait I will not be afraid My faith will remain all the same My hope in the things not yet seen Found in the greatest of these

I found love in a moment Exploding in light At the cross where the curtains Were ripped from my eyes I found heaven in pieces In glimmer and dust Broken glass in reflection Till we shine like the sun

I know there's a place I belong Where I'll see the fullness of love A child face to face with my God Lost in Your awesome wonder While I wait I will not be afraid My faith will remain all the same My hope in the things not yet seen Found in the greatest of these

I know that You love me I know that You love me Your love never fails Your love never fails

When all's said and done all that matters is love (I know that You love me) So let love take over (I know that You love me) Not just in part, but in all that You are (Your love never fails) Let Your love take over (Your love never fails)

I was going through my Facebook friends a couple months ago, and I realized that the names of my friends who had deleted their Facebook accounts still showed up as I was scrolling through my friends list. The evidence of them once having an account was still there. I could still see their name; acknowledge that they were once friends with me on Facebook. Just because their account was deleted does not mean the pictures I had posted with them on my account were gone. Just because their account was deleted does not mean that I have deleted them from my life. The memories are still there, they just decided that Facebook wasn't what they wanted and for some reason they decided to get rid of their account.

I'm not writing this journal to go on and on about Facebook and how it works, that was simply the first part of my analogy in which Facebook represents life, pictures represent memories, and the deleting of the account represents suicide.

I have lost friends to suicide, several teens have committed suicide within the past few months in my state/area, I have had friends attempt suicide, and I have attempted suicide. This scares me. It scares me that so many people think that the only way to get out of a situation is to kill themselves.

I've mentioned in my previous journals that I struggled with anxiety and depression for many years. There were several nights that I got to the point that I thought that everything was over, I thought that all of my problems couldn't be fixed. I felt lost, abandoned, lonely, and confused.

Needless to say that none of my suicide attempts were successful.

I struggled with those thoughts for a really long time, and I was better for a while...but over the past few months, those thoughts have reappeared. I wouldn't dare to make another attempt, because I know that this is not my ending. What I mean is that those negative thoughts still try to take over my head sometimes, and sometimes they succeed in making me feel low. I've dealt with so much rejection and so many negative comments that still find a way of reappearing in my memory. Someone can say something in a way that they didn't even mean and I am suddenly taken on this emotional rollercoaster, remembering what people have done in the past. I let this control me. It controls the fact that I'm not always 100% myself around others because I'm afraid of what they'll say. It controls the way I view myself. It took me a long time to be confident, and just like that it was gone. It controls my relationships. I'm so terrified of having disagreements because I cling to the people in my life, so if somebody does something that bothers me I don't bring it up. I've lost so many people that I'm afraid of losing more. It controls my thoughts on life. Like I mentioned, I would never try to kill myself again, but sometimes the thought forms in my head "what would the world be like without me here?" I have found myself feeling so broken, so out of place, like I really don't belong anywhere.

Before this hard time hit me again, I was in a good place. I understand that not everyone is going to be in a good place before they enter tougher moments, but please listen to what I have to say. During this time, my heart feels so full, yet so broken at the same time. Something I learned in youth group last summer was the fruit of the spirit. We talked about what each one meant, and a lot of us really didn't know what joy meant. It was explained that joy means that you aren't necessarily happy, but you know that things are going to work out. That is what I feel!

I'm struggling. A lot. But I KNOW that God has a plan for this and that He's going to use it just as He has in all of my other situations. In those previous dark years I felt alone. But after that dark cloud above me was removed I was able to see all the people behind me, praying for me. I want you to know that in these dark times you are NOT alone! Whether you're close to your parents, have a few close friends, or not, your life has a purpose! You are loved! It hurts me to know that there is someone reading this who is feeling the same way, or worse than I do. There is someone reading this who thinks that suicide is the answer, but please don't think that is your only answer. Please don't let negative thoughts control you. I love you. Whether I know you or not, I love you. I am praying for all of you who go through this darkness and who may be struggling through this darkness.

But the love I (or any other earthly beings) have for does not even compare to the way you are loved by our amazing Father! HE CREATED YOU! Because of that you have value. You are His masterpiece. It may be hard to look ahead when things are rough, but trust me, there is HOPE BEYOND THE SUFFERING! God loves you more than you can ever even fathom, He loves you more than I will be able to express in this journal! He doesn't want you to live in shame. He doesn't want you to feel alone forever. He valued you SO much that He sent His son to die on the cross so that you can be forgiven of your sins and live with Him forever. We are all sinners, but God sent His perfect, sin free son, Jesus Christ, to die for us! Think of how powerful that is: an innocent man dying for us so that we don't have to live an eternal life of fear, shame, pain, etc.

Do not be discouraged by the darkness, your weakness, or your brokenness. Instead, let this encourage you! God is going to use this for His PLAN! God uses broken people! In fact, His power works best in weakness because that is how His power works in our lives! This broken version of you is what God wants to work with. This is your opportunity to be used like you've never been used before! Let Him use you!

We need to not base our happiness on our friends. We need to not base our identities on what other people say about us. We need to not care about what the media says we should be. We need to open our eyes and realize that through God there is hope, peace, happiness, JOY. Our identity isn't found in other people, it's found in Christ! God made us each the way we are for a reason. He didn't want us all to be the same! He made us enjoy different things, look differently, behave differently, etc. so that we can all reach different people through our hobbies, style, actions, and so much more! None of us are here on accident, He wanted us! We have a purpose.

As you go through this pain, God is right beside you, waiting for you to cast all your cares on Him. If we allow God to take full control, He will strengthen us. There is nothing too big for God to move, there is no problem too big or too small for Him. If something is big enough to be bothering you, then it's big enough for you to pray about. We don't have to have it all together to talk to God. He wants to fight every battle that we face, He doesn't want us to go through life alone. When we cry, He cries with us. When we hurt, He's hurting with us. We may not feel Him all the time, but I promise you that He is there.

I know how happy I was before, and I am using that to encourage myself, because I'm looking forward to getting to that point again. I know that this pain is only temporary. I am looking forward to seeing the ways in which God is going to use this cloud over me. YOU can reach that happiness too! When you are going through difficult times and feel that God is not working fast enough, do not be discouraged! "Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be."

This earthly life will not be easy because this is not our home country. As The Purpose Driven Life puts it, "Life is supposed to be difficult! It's what enables us to grow...Why would God provide heaven on earth when He's planned the real thing for you in eternity?" I am so excited to one day go home to my amazing Father, but I know that He's not ready for me yet, He still has ways in which He is going to use me. The same goes for you. This is not your ending. Jesus is offering you freedom from all of this pain right now; all you need to do is give Him control. Pray about it, because prayer is the weapon.

To those of you reading this that haven't struggled with suicidal thoughts, haven't lost anyone to suicide, etc, I encourage you to act out for those of us who are struggling. Why do we so often wait until someone is gone to say "I should have done something"? We have the power NOW to use the voice that God has given us to spread his love to the people around us! There is not a single person you look at that is not loved by God! We are all a part of one body.

***Please, if you are considering suicide, get help. There is a Suicide Prevention Lifeline available 24/7 that you can call or even message. (1-800-273-8255)

If you are questioning your worth, or identity, I strongly encourage reading The Purpose Driven Life, Hello My Name Is, and/or Uninvited. These books have been helping me come to terms with what I'm struggling with, and they have helped me in more ways than I can explain.

I love you, beautiful people. If there was something that I seemed to miss in this journal, do not hesitate to send me a message. I would LOVE to help in any way that I can. Praying for y'all daily. <3