I Want to be Used by You

I was actually supposed to post this a couple days ago, and it's ironic because this entry actually has to do with doing what God tells you to do when he tells you to do it...and I put it off. I didn't put it off because I'm lazy though, I just didn't finish it because, as my Sociology teacher says, "Words are hard." So this is from the other day, and I just added some of it today:

"Want to Be Used by You" Deluge

So don't look me over

I'm waiting for you, broken

I want to be used by you

So, have your way

So here I am, trying to take a nap since I really haven't slept much the past few weeks because of watching playoff hockey, etc., and I just keep waking up going 'I need to write again'. And I'm dreaming about typing out and saying what God has once again placed on my heart. Today, I'm going to talk about God's plans for us.

Honestly, up until this year, I hadn't really KNOWN what I was meant to do in the future. I started off by wanting to go into psychology. I feel like a lot of people say that they want to go into psychology, but I don't really care that I'm 'like everybody else' because I wanted to go into psychology. For a while during this school year, I was looking at going into something just for the money, and when my pastor's wife asked me what this would be doing for God, I just told her that me being a Christian, in that environment, could be what I do for God. But I could tell that she wasn't speaking her mind, that there was something in that response that just didn't fully do it for her, but she wasn't judging me, she just knows what I'm capable of. Over the past several months, she has talked to me about that job, tried to get more out of me. Let me remind you, that I have always believed in God, but up until recently, I hadn't really been living for him. I noticed more and more that I stopped talking about that other job, almost as if I knew that it wasn't the right thing for me.

The thing is, God has given me several amazing gifts, I just haven't been thinking about doing them for him, I've been thinking about myself. A big thing in my life, a gift that God has given me, is my voice. I have had a social phobia since I was very little, the idea of what other people are thinking of me terrifies me. For so many years, I would get up on stage, and be happy to be up there...but as time went on, I stopped enjoying it. Part of it was that I was involved in so many singing activities and practices that I started to lose interest, it felt like more of a chore, and the other part was that my phobia and anxiety were getting worse. Now, with me, so many people know about that gift, and almost all of them guilted me into staying with it, but I began to notice that I wasn't doing what was best for me, I wasn't fully doing it for God anymore, I did it because I felt like I had to...so, despite what everyone wanted, I talked to my pastor about it and decided that I was going to take a break after our last church concert (that I'm a part of). If I was going to go up on stage, I was going to go up there to glorify God, and I knew that my anxiety and phobia were taking over that. During that concert, I got up on the stage, and I felt the words, for a short period, my anxiety wasn't controlling me while I was up there...I made it about God, because I knew that voice coming out of the speakers wasn't mine, it wasn't for me...but I knew that I still needed a break, I needed that break to recover from that anxiety, to work on it, and to grow closer to God, I needed to fully let him in, and not live how I had been. That night, I received a text from my pastor's wife, she told me that I had done a great job, and with that she also told me something that I haven't forgotten...she told me "God has blessed you with great talent, and not only talent but the passion that goes along with it. And part of the problem with that is that as a person who has so much passion that also means you feel things so much more deeply. I will continue to pray for you that you will be able to continue using your talent and that God will give you peace and strength in your life each day to do that." And so, I took my break. I started counseling, I started journaling.

A week or so ago, my eyes were kind of opened. When I wrote that last journal, I talked about going to the altar, revealing my brokenness, dealing with my doubt...I feel like God is lining a lot of things up for me at the time. I prayed and trusted that he would guide me, and that's what he's doing.

I was at my counseling appointment the other day, and I was talking to my counselor about how I am fascinated by psychology, and that's what I'm going to college for next year, but I still had some doubt about if I should take that other job or not. As the appointment drew on, she sat up at one point, and told me that she thought I would be a really good psychologist, because I could empathize with other people, even if I haven't been through the exact same thing. This past Friday, I was at small group, and we were talking about something that we felt God had been calling us to do...and I thought of psychology. When it was my turn to talk, I mentioned to the group that I had been through a lot, along with that, I had faced a lot of anxiety, and I had faced a social phobia...but that social phobia doesn't bother me when people are upset, if somebody needs someone to talk to, I'm there, whether I really know them or not...God gives me the words to say...and as I was saying that, a member of our small group raised his hand, to say something to me, so I let him talk...What he said next was like a confirmation for me...He told me that with me saying all that, that he could see me as somebody who goes on to be a psychologist or a counselor, and my little sister just looked down and kind of laughed. He gave her a questioning look, and she told him that it was funny he said that, because that was what I had wanted to go into, I just wasn't sure if I should. I feel that everything that happens is some type of sign, or has some type of purpose. I think that God put that on the member's mind to tell me, to reassure me that God was calling me to do that. I don't think that I would have gone through all that I have to just not use it. Like my counselor said, I've been through a lot, and that allows me to empathize with people. God gives me the words to say to people, I am able to go to someone who's hurting and talk to them as if I don't even know how it feels to have anxiety.

I sang at church last Sunday, a song called Blessings, by Laura Story. I was anxious; this was my first performance in several months, so I expected to be nervous, it was just something that I needed to keep working on. As I sang during the second service, I looked out to the crowd. I found somebody that I have grown close to through my singing; she was sitting in the crowd, mouthing the words with me, as she cried. I know what she's been through, and even though she's older than me, I know that I have helped her through some things. One of the first concerts I sang at for my church, I shared with the crowd how I used to be bullied, and she came to me after, and that's when she told me about her experiences. As I looked at her on Sunday, I knew why I was up there. My voice isn't my voice, it's God's voice...but it's mixed with my emotions, my life experiences, and even if a song I sing isn't relatable to everyone in the crowd, it could still mean all the difference to one.

The thing is, what God is calling us to do isn't going to be easy, it isn't going to be comfortable, it isn't going to always be something that makes the best money, but God PROVIDES. If he is calling us to do something, who are we to tell him no? If he gives me a singing voice to spread his word, to worship him, and to help others, who am I to hide it? If he's helped me through a lot of things, who am I to keep all the knowledge I've gained to myself? God gives us gifts to USE them! When he is calling us to do something, then we should do it when he calls us to do it, we shouldn't hesitate or wait until later. We have to act out in faith, and he will provide us with whatever we need to do that. It may not always come at what we think is the best time, sometimes it will be when you're off doing something completely different...but using what he gives us will make all of the difference in our lives.